My cat has a monkey on his back... (Do not give this cat money. He will only buy drugs.)



I've recently bought my cat an overpriced, cardboard, honeycombed scratching thingie with catnip (organic, at that—those goddamn hippies at the pet store!) embedded in it.

He is presently sprawled belly up on the living room floor, high as a kite and trying to EAT said scratching thingie.

I think he has a catnip problem. I'm just waiting to come home and find him playing Grateful Dead albums and smoking a bong.

It comes to this: My life, ruled by the pernicious will of an orange cat.  ¶ 9:47 PM 2 Comments

  But what do I do with Wilma?












This new color is kinda cool-plus it comes with a sun-burst temporary tattoo...Isn't Tiny-Dog's birthday coming up soon?  ¶ 9:08 PM 1 Comments

  Don't take any wooden nickels
You know how you never see $2 bills around, 'cause they are all rare and out of circulation and stuff?

Not true. They are still out there, people. Go to a bank and ask about em you think I'm lyin'.

However you might not want to use them at Taco Bell or Best Buy, lest you get arrested.  ¶ 2:02 PM 0 Comments

  I think I'm in favor, but I'm going to hold out

I like the concept here, but I think I'm going to have to hold out for Apple Jacks cereal straws or Cookie Crisp cereal straws.  

Oh Hell No: Cereal Straws Mark a Low Point in Our Culture - Gizmodo

  ¶ 8:50 AM 2 Comments

  My brother is awesome, part 2 Another email:

"...Pizza Hut is now delivering chocolate chip cookies with their pizzas.

They say in times of war, the enemies try to infiltrate the water system. This is the same thing. Our enemies are attempting to give the entire nation heart disease, and when we are too sick as a nation to resist, they plan to take over the country.

There is no American government. There is only Halliburton and Pizza Hut."

Labels: brother, food, heart disease

  ¶ 2:02 PM 1 Comments

  Random Sketch #1
  ¶ 10:02 PM 2 Comments

  My underwear So, Monday morning I woke up late and decided to go to my favorite corner coffee shop, just down the street from my place, to enjoy the sun, have a much-needed cup of brew, and do a little work on my laptop.

I didn't bother with a shower (I work at home these days—and, OK, yes, I'll admit it, my personal grooming habits have fallen by the wayside). I just put on the clothes I'd had on a couple of days before, the jeans and shirt sitting on the top of my laundry basket. Why the hell not? Who's gonna see me?

Well, as it turns out, everyone I've ever met. Seriously, I think ran into everybody but my third-grade music teacher in that goddamn coffee shop—it was like a bad dream. But that's not the worst part, kids. Because, when I got home two hours later I stepped into my bathroom and quite by chance discovered that somehow, through the cruel forces of extraordinarily bad luck, I HAD A PAIR OF DIRTY UNDERWEAR HANGING OUT OF THE BACK OF MY PANTS.

Ohhhhhhhh, the humanity!!!!!

They were wedged between my belt and my waist, wrong side out, tag displayed. Everyone now knows my underpants come from JC Penny. I am so humiliated, I think I might have to move.  ¶ 6:46 PM 2 Comments

  Best song lyrics ever I've decided after thinking it over for a few minutes that "Don't Let's Start," by They Might Be Giants, in fact boasts the best song lyrics in the history of recorded music.

Check the link if you think I am just jerking you around here. --waiting-- OK. Are we not in agreement? Let's break it down.

First-- most profound lines ever written:

No one in the world ever gets what they want
And that is beautiful
Everybody dies frustrated and sad
And that is beautiful

Good god, so true. And so succinct. And still, this is paired with:

When you are alone you are the cat, you are the phone
You are an animal
The words I'm singing now mean nothing more than meow
To an animal

You laugh, and yet-- when cats listen to us, what do they hear? Right. Meow. Think about it. This is deep, people.

I am quite sure no song you come up with could possibly match this one.

Labels: music

  ¶ 10:35 AM 2 Comments

  children's song conspiracy?! I never made the connection before I had my son, but after hearing the endless repeat of famous children's songs blaring out of toys over and over, I heard it. Why does Ba Ba Black Sheep, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and the ABC Alphabet Song have the SAME friggin melody??!! Could it be a government cover-up, or maybe the aliens from Roswell have been sending underlying messages to young people for years? Is it a conspiracy to install insanity into the minds of the innocent parents so we can never get the melody out of our heads? Or, the worst possibility of all, copyright infringement?

You decide. The truth is out there...

Labels: music

  ¶ 9:25 PM 3 Comments

  I'm Board

Labels: board games nostalgia bonkers issues

  ¶ 9:11 PM 8 Comments

  My brother is awesome, part 1 I just got this email from him:

(edited for brevity)
"Have you seen this Pizza Hut product called the P'zone?...one pound of cheese and meat...to be eaten at one sitting, apparently...I'm thinking of buying stock in both Pizza Hut and a medical supply company that specializes in coronary disease medical supplies."

Labels: brother, food, heart disease

  ¶ 4:00 PM 3 Comments

  Fug! Do not neglect to view the finalists of the world's ugliest dog contest.  ¶ 10:03 AM 2 Comments

  What's the stupidest thing YOU'VE ever done 'cause somebody broke your heart? Hey Uberhooters! (OK, I just realized how that sounds—now we're going to get hits from people looking for porn...)

So, I thought I'd drop in and add to the conversation. Oh, I hear ya: "What's on your mind Sassy Glasses Girl?" you say. "Hmmmm???"

In short, break ups. That's right, kids: big, gnarly, heart-achy break ups.

I'm facing such a beastie at the moment. Oh, don't worry—it's not a "you'd better run 'cause I'm gonna boil water and throw it on you, you deceitful bastard" kind of break up or anything like that. This one isn't mean and nasty. It's more of a "Goddammit, I love you tenderly, but we just see the world too differently" kind of break up. In other words, a real kick in the heart.

So, in an attempt to anesthetize myself I have decided to sign up for a .... wait for it ... wait for it ... Softball Team. You know: Get out of the house. Meet new people. Get some exercise. Maybe even take a shower and change out of my PJs.

Now, I'm not gonna lie to you: I'm about as athletic as John Goodman with an iron lung. Sometimes, when I run, blood comes out my nose.

That said, the first game was today, and it actually went OK.

They told me to show up early, to pick my position. I panicked a little at this because I couldn't even name a position in softball. (Goalie? Quarterback? Democrat? Against it?) A nice man with a billed hat and a clipboard told me to stand in "the right outfield" and catch any balls that came my way, then throw them toward whatever destination (first base, second base, third base, home) my teammates happened to be screaming at the time. When someone throws a ball at ME, he said, if I happen to have a bat in my hand, swing it and see what happens. It's that easy.

And, it kinda was.

So, in spite of much trepidation (and praying to the Umpire in the Sky for a rainout over Woodinville), softball turned out to be one of the lesser embarrassing things I've done 'cause some guy has gone and done me wrong. (It certainly ranks behind getting drunk and calling the object of my grief, driving by his house late at night, and attempting to steal his cat).

Which brings us to the question: What's the craziest/most embarrassing/most inane thing you've done 'cause Cupid clocked you a suckerpunch?

I'm waiting...  ¶ 6:17 PM 3 Comments

  Indie rawk bands I hate for vague reasons
Spoon

That band name just seems really mediocre and icky. I am not sure why, but I don't like it.

Arctic Monkeys

Overhyped, bait shack rockers who will end up on a KTEL MILLENNIUM NOW! compilation in 15 years.

Death Cab for Cutie, or the Postal Service, or whatever he is calling himself

Literal Bait Shack rockers, who performed the most hideous cover song in the history of 80's irony.

Art Brut

Wake me when there are no more broad-accented Clash cover bands who the whole indie rockosphere treats like the second coming of Christ. I will probably be sleeping for awhile.

I am sure there are more. I can't think of them though, because I am too mad at Blogger. BLOGGER IS FROM HELL.

Labels: music

  ¶ 2:52 PM 0 Comments

  Paris Hilton?! Can someone explain to me why our society continues to have the morbid fascination with the world's most spoiled, self-centered, self-absorbed, narcissistic, conceited, egotistic and immature (the adjectives could be endless) person? Maybe society is getting tired of the over abundance of self-entitlement seen more and more. You know who I'm talking about - the person who cuts in front of you at the grocery store check-out line. The person who parks their car in a crowded parking lot and takes up two spaces (or better yet the person parking in a handicap parking space with no placard or known disability). Even the person who gets arrested for committing criminal acts but blames the police officer who arrested them rather than themselves, falls so blatantly into this category.

But lest we forget poor Paris: here's a woman who has been showered with wealth and taught to take absolutely no personal responsibility for her actions. She feigned ignorance the two times she was stopped for driving on a suspended license (saying she pays someone to read all her paperwork and didn't let her know what the suspension paperwork said). She had incredibly high paid attorneys attempting to argue why she should not receive incarceration for ignoring the fact she was placed on probation (a privilege, not a right, I believe) for an original DUI offense (an offense in which she was lucky not to have hurt or killed an innocent person).

I be live the fascination with this case lies in this: after being sentenced to hard time and spending a traumatic 3 days in jail before being prematurely released, Miss Hilton was summoned back to court to explain to the judge why his orders weren't followed specifically (no release on any type of alternative sentencing). When Paris was ordered to be taken back into custody, she was allowed no time to fix her makeup or write a heartfelt blog to her fans. While being taken away by deputies, she wailed how it was not fair, and cried for her mother (she is 26, not 6, right?). I believe, among the commentaries of how our society is raising our children to be less responsible (one term I like is the 'sippycupization of America'), there are more and more of us tired of seeing this stereotype played out on a daily basis. I found it strangely satisfying to see Paris forced to take a consequence for her behavior. It shows everyone that money alone (minus the famous court examples of O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson) cannot place someone above the law.

I'm sure we'll continue to see examples of people who were raised without consequence for their misdeeds, oblivious to the world around them. But for now, I can only ask that society say enough to the Paris Hilton saga. She finally saw her consequence and we hope with that she moves that much closer to being a kinder, selfless and more responsible person.

Yeah, right.

Labels: celebrities

  ¶ 10:16 AM 5 Comments

  Mmmm.....

 If there's a theme to these posts, well, I'm not sure I know what it is. At any rate, I thought this sounded like fun:

Labels: drinking

  ¶ 10:08 AM 2 Comments

  What I'm drinking: Strawberry Lemonade Coolie

With apologies to any tee-totalers out there, here's the first entry in what I hope will be a weekly series. This week's featured cocktail is a Strawberry Lemonade Coolie.

I cheat with this recipe because I start with  Trader Joe's Strawberry Lemonade. If you want to go truly homemade, there are a million recipes for Strawberry Lemonade.

In a glass with ice, mix:

1 part Vodka (if you're feeling especially fruity, try using Absolut Apeach, it's yummy)

1 part Club Soda

3 parts Strawberry Lemonde

Garnish with fresh strawberries or a lemon wedge.

Labels: drinking

  ¶ 9:08 AM 1 Comments

  Welcome to the web 2.0

So, not to be a shill or anything, but for those using Windows to contribute, I'd highly recommend Windows Live Writer as a very handy way to compose, edit, and publish posts. In fact, I'm soaking in it right now.

Labels: technology

  ¶ 2:22 PM 1 Comments

  Haircut Names have been changed...

A friend of mine named John met a woman named Jenna. They met in Texas, when John's band played in a bar in Jenna's hometown. Fast-forward several months and Jenna is moving to John's hometown, with the expectation that unless things go horribly wrong, John and Jenna will be Mr and Mrs before the year is out. Jenna is a hair stylist, and she's looking for a salon in the new hometown. She needs someone with long virgin (never permed or colored) hair to be a hair model, because at ritzy salons, stylists have to audition to be hired by giving a significant haircut while the salon owner observes their technique. John's female friends are trying to find the elusive hair virgin, and just like looking for a sexual virgin, we're having to resort to teenagers and geeky middle-aged men.

I work in the land of geeky middle-aged men, and so I asked a geeky virgin-haired middle-aged man a few cubes over if he'd be interested. There was some frivolity-other folks in the cube got in on the discussion-and I left the offer open.

Upon returning to my desk, there was an email detailing his Cherokee heritage (He has mentioned previously that his sons are 1/16 Cherokee, so apparently they convey a Cherokee heritage to him) and atheistic-slash-Buddhist spiritual walk and how the haircut offer was tantamount to offering pork to a Jew.

Aside: This is the comparison he made, but it isn't an accurate comparison. Not all Jews keep Kosher, and those that do keep Kosher say "No thanks, I don't eat (fill in the trayf food here)." rather than "To accept your offer would give offense to the generations of my ancestors who have been God's chosen since the time of Abram." But anyway.

There was further discussion in the email of the haircut "absolutely not" having "the short back and sides of Xiandom". I was not able to find the word "Xiandom" in any dictionary or in a search engine, but after some time realized that it's short for Christendom, like Xmas is short for Christmas.

I replied with an email apology, an appreciation that he spoke up rather than remaining offended in silence, and a request for his forgiveness. I guess he's forgiving me in silence.

I find myself troubled by this exchange.

I was a young girl when the African-American community was the Black community. There were those who claimed that they had 1/16th Native American heritage, naturally straight or wavy (i.e., not curly-kinky) hair, narrow noses, and other oddities. There were also those who claimed that the previous claimants were racist, unenlightened, self-haters denying their God-given blackness. On my Dad's side, there is a Native American ancestor, as evidenced by the cheekbones and dead-straight hair of some of my aunts and uncles, but I don't consider myself part Native American, nor did they.

Since that time, it seems like it's become cool to be part of a minority group. And so, I observe people laying claim to the old 1/16th Native American heritage, except now they aren't black people trying to be less black but white people trying to be less white. Others lay claim to 1/16 African-American heritage, and with these people I feel more at ease rolling my eyes and murmuring a heartfelt "Girl, PLEASE! Whatever!!" As I said before, I don't consider myself part Native American, but I am offended by proxy at the appropriation and reduction of centuries of Cherokee culture and heritage to a...haircut.

So, this African-American-Gyno human has stopped seeking out hair virgins for the Scottish-French-American-Gyno human significant other of her Filipino-Andro human friend. This can't-we-all-just-get-along stuff is hard.

Labels: poseurs, work

  ¶ 2:18 PM 2 Comments

  Top 10 Reasons Why the Internet Is Cool 1. Websites
2. Getting to click on stuff
3. Naked pictures
4. Scrolling
5. Hyperlinks (see #2)
6. Wacky blogs
7. Endless supply of text
8. Naked pictures
9. Sense of community
10. All the pixels  ¶ 1:01 PM 0 Comments

  Inagural post I need to start figuring out how to post to this thing.  ¶ 12:06 PM 5 Comments