It's okay because many things in my life are just an illusion so an imagined blog about crafty things is kind of nice. I cannot craft, though at one point I tried to fit in with some friends who were hosting regular crafting parties, by cutting things out of women's magazines. I talked a good game about a collage craft but really I just wanted to peruse the magazines and sit around with others with more talent (or in some cases more enthusiasm) for crafting so once in a while I would just up and cut something out off a page and that seemed acceptable. One woman in that group was the ultimate crafting cold shower... she could weld, weave with her the millions-of-parts loom that she assembled herself, cross-stitch, knit, sew, stain glass, make jewelry, and if that wasn't bad enough she was a damn good reader too. The nerve.  ¶ 9:13 PM 1 Comments

  Lamb nation Well, I said Uberhoot was going to become an art blog, and clearly I haven't fulfilled that promise as of yet for the 0 readers who are still reading it, but things are going to change, albeit in a scattershot and occasional way.

With that I bring you Felt Lamb, made from this pattern.
  ¶ 6:29 AM 0 Comments

  Craft. This is a blog that does not exist. If you are reading it, you are just imagining things.

I guess it's a craft blog. But I really have no idea.

This is an ongoing collection of junk I've made. Next stop, I am tackling this pattern.

The results will be posted soon.  ¶ 9:43 PM 0 Comments

  What I am giving my Dad for Christmas... When I was growing up, my parents were not my friends. Most of the time, I guess I liked them okay, but sometimes, we didn't even have that. Our relationship was frequently punctuated with...things...

...like I wasn't allowed to go to the grocery store with my mother unless I promised not to whine or beg for treats. And if I promised, and then broke my promise, it would be months before I would be allowed to go again. And this was totally unfair.

...and I couldn't watch television until I finished my homework. This essentially meant I couldn't watch television during the week, only on weekends, because I had mass amounts of homework and 'finished' meant perfected, not just completed. And this was totally unfair too.

...and sometimes I was forced to go outside and play with the neighbor kids I didn't really like, or be nice to relatives I didn't really remember, or play quietly while my parents did what they wanted to do. See: unfair.

...and their things (especially my mother's shoes when our feet were the same size) were not my things-taking them without permission was stealing.

...and some things, like my Dad's BMW, I was never going to get permission to take or use.
NOTE: I only had permission to drive the BMW if (1) both of my parents needed to go to the hospital and were unconscious, bleeding, and on the verge of death (2) my sister, the police, and the fire department were totally unavailable and (3) I only drove straight to the hospital.
My dad would totally have asked a nurse to take him off of a ventilator long enough to ground me for driving the BMW to an unathorized location after delivering them to the hospital.
NOTE: This is probably still in effect.

...and my parents never gave a rat's butt what the other parents allowed their kids to do.

Now that I am grown up, I know that these 'things' are called discipline. Setting boundaries, setting limits, training a child in the way that she should go.

When it's done right, your child won't like it, and may not like you, until he or she grows up.
When it's done wrong, you won't like your child when he or she grows up.
And probably, neither will I.  ¶ 11:44 AM 0 Comments

  Uberhoot coup d'etat: The Poem

He said "Shut up..."
He said "Shut up - Oh God! Can't you ever keep it down?"
-A.Mann

There will be a textual ramble...
because I will be rambling
in text
in a textual rambling manner, you see.

And all the

weird
dead-eyed
baby dolls
in the world

can clap their fabric hands
until they bleed

but I will ramble on
in text.

Blissful Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Joyful Kwanzaa
Merry Ayyám-i-Há

Death
as well as the textual ramble
will come to us all.  ¶ 4:49 PM 1 Comments

  Red baby
Some people who live in my house wonder if I have a problem. A problem with making weird dolls. You see, I have made too many. And I keep making more.  ¶ 10:07 PM 0 Comments

  Uberhoot is changing. Textual rambles have retired due to universal lack of interest.

Uberhoot shall shortly return as an art gallery.

That is all.  ¶ 4:54 PM 0 Comments

  Another posting about my cats (and my underwear)... So I just came home to find that my cats have, evidently, busted into the catnip drawer again.

My sweet, innocent Buttercup (the tiniest, cute-as-a-bug's-ear Siamese you've ever seen) was writhing on the bathroom floor, with a pair of my underwear wrapped around her head.

Yep, it's a big ol' cat party at my house, kids.  ¶ 11:51 AM 0 Comments

  Scooby Doo and the Loch Ness Monster
New Characters introduced for this movie:

• Shannon Blake, Daphne's scottish (female) cousin. Shannon could be Daphne's twin, right down to the love of purple, girly, and short dresses/skirts--although being Scottish, Shannon wears plaid grunge clothing(?). Shannon has orange-red hair just like Daphne's, but it's cut short like Maggie the Mechanic from early Love & Rockets.
  When this movie is over, Shannon and Velma are so going to move into Blake Castle together and turn it into a high-priced Bed & Breakfast.


• Dell Chillman, the chubby ponytailed Nessie-fanatic friend/annoyance of Shannon, who wears purple-lensed John Lennon glasses, a blue, orange, and purple tye-dyed Nessie shirt, army combat pants, Birkenstocks, and a Kabbalah bracelet. I'd bet you $50 he deals Ecstacy. Has no idea Shannon plays for the other team.

Excellent scenes:

• Scooby leaps out of the back of the Mystery Machine with a picnic basket containing a tablecloth, a napkin, a salt shaker, a pepper mill, a wine glass and his dog dish, all because Fred said "This fog is as thick as pea soup."
• While being chased by the Loch Ness Monster, Scooby thinks to hit the monster with a weight from the weight throw. Scooby swings the weight in a circle, but somehow the dog is so powerful that the spinning weight acts like a helicopter and lifts him (and Shaggy, after Shaggy grabs onto Scooby's paw) off the ground and into the clouds. When Scooby finally dies, (if he CAN die, that is) they have SO got to donate his body to science.
• When the grizzled old crosseyed dude shows Freddie, Daphne, and Velma a fishing boat and makes this comment:"She's nearly as old as meself and twice as leaky."
• When the Loch Ness monster chases Scooby and Shaggy, because (1) the blatant rip-offs from Jurassic Park are too many to count; (2) It is revealed that Scooby can drive stick. In reverse. On the left-hand side of the road; (3) When Scooby drives the Mystery Machine up a ramp and off a cliff, it flies through the air for at least a mile, making the same tikka-tikka-tikka sound as Jaime Sommers running on her bionic legs.
• Freddie just said, without any irony, "...and it will be da bomb diggety!"

Unanswered questions:

• How & why did they take the Mystery Machine to Scotland?
• When Scooby is hungry, his stomach growls and the growl sounds like the Xenomorph from the movie Aliens. Why hasn't someone taken him to either a vet or an exorcist?
• Freddie trashes vehicles like Hunter S. Thompson trashes hotel rooms. Why do these idiots keep lending him their boats and submarines?
• Does Iris need a Baby Alive for her next birthday?
• How does Freddie have a cell phone in 1970?
  How can Velma network her LAPTOP to the ship's computer?!!
  [Answer to the last two: This movie was created in 2004, so I guess it's 2004, not 1970.]
• Why are the Scooby Gang still teenagers dressed like it's 1970 if it's 2004?
• Freddie just said, without any irony, "...and it will be da bomb diggety!" Seriously, what year is this thing supposed to be taking place?

  ¶ 5:45 PM 2 Comments

  Uberhoot has flopped!
OK, so the time has come for me to admit that Uberhoot has flopped. It's unfocused, sporadic, and cobweb-like. Look, people. It was an experiment in joint authoring. It failed. If people don't blog, then people won't blog. This is the lesson I have learned.

What will become of Uberhoot? Answer: unknown.  ¶ 9:56 PM 2 Comments

  You Should Have Thought of that Before We Left

A return to Überhoot's über-roots... a little old school collage action.  ¶ 11:56 AM 0 Comments

  LOLSecretz http://lolsecretz.blogspot.com/  ¶ 4:07 PM 0 Comments

  Fisher Price houseboat I found a whole Flickr group devoted to vintage Fisher Price toys. Oh, the awesomeness. I miss my Little People Happy Houseboat #985...  ¶ 1:07 PM 1 Comments

  FOOB takes it too far Just when you thought the FOOBiverse couldn't irritate you any more thorougly with the icky Liz / Grandthony storyline, the FOOB Web site unveils a whole nauseating tribute page to the relationship between Elizabeth and fiction's wimpiest man.

Oh, for crap's sake.  ¶ 12:57 PM 0 Comments

  What the hell Is going on in this commercial?  ¶ 9:26 PM 3 Comments